Monday, April 27, 2009

Scientists' study of TV's effects discredited

The response to the extensive scientific study detailing the effects of watching TV were quickly questioned and discredited. After receiving a large sum of money from various cable TV suppliers and national networks, an equally prestigious study shows that despite the claims of the prior study, TV watching actually stimulates brain development in infants and teenagers. It is also reported, in a very, very prestigious study to be a cure for dementia and Alzheimer's.

It is reported that in a group of over 1000 two to four-year-olds, watching videos of toys, stuffed animals, flowers and listening to poorly arranged light classical music increased their cognitive abilities by over 40% during the study period. The effects were most noticeable when the viewing time was increased from 14 to 15 hours per day. Unfortunately, if you read the footnotes of the report carefully, the parents of these children became totally incapacitated in about three hours.

Also, the copy of the previous study, indicating that decreasing TV viewing to 168 hours per week had no effect on decreasing the incidence of brain mush has now disappeared from the Eastern Arizona library, which had the only copy.

The second part of the pro-TV study, showing that ten or more hours of the Disney channel viewing increased standardized test scores among teenagers, will be released shortly. This extensive study had one major problem, finding teenagers who only watched ten hours of TV a day. In order to validate the study, the researchers were forced to include time playing video games as part of the control group. It was decided that the next focus group would be adults and teenagers who watch more than 168 hours of TV a week. It is not anticipated that finding victims for this study will be difficult.

Cognitive ability, spacial recognition, social interaction and cooperative behavior patterns increased dramatically as TV viewing passed the 100 hours per week mark. There is hope that apply this parameter to older viewers will wipe out senility within the next three to six months. Thus the former study, indicating that excessive TV watching pulverized brain tissue and turned the brain into cold oatmeal has been entirely refuted.

1 comment:

  1. Whew! You had me worried after that last post. Now I can rest easy. ;)

    (And, by the way, if someone is looking for a few subjects that have a low average you can send them in our direction.)