Sunday, April 26, 2009

Study shows TV softens brain tissue

A recent study, conducted under the most stringent scientific conditions, concluded that more than two hours of watching TV a week tenderized the average brain. The study, conducted by real scientists, compared the brains of people who watched up to 168 hours of television a week to those who lived in remote cabins without electricity and were unable to watch TV. The brains of the TV watchers were indistinguishable from tenderized meat while those in the cabin control group looked disgustingly normal. In order to obtain some idea of the threshold level of destructive tendency, the scientists tried to find people who actually watched TV less than 168 hours per week (the average for the U.S. viewer is slightly higher than that of the control group). They were able to find a few farmers in Pennsylvania, who had no electricity and whose average dropped below 80 hours per week. In order to find someone who had less exposure, the scientists went to a half a dozen developing countries. They finally discovered a group of African Bushmen who watched only two hours of TV a week.

In all of the study cases, the degree of pulverization of the brain cells was found to be independent of the hours of TV exposure. Incredibly after less than one hour of viewing per week, the brains of the subjects showed almost complete deterioration.

Unfortunately, when the major TV broadcasters and producers heard the results of the study, all of the scientists mysteriously disappeared or were unable to give interviews from their private yachts in the Bahamas. Only one copy of the study remained in a library in Eastern Arizona where I was able to photograph a copy with my iPhone. I am afraid if the TV people learn of the whereabouts of this pirated copy, I may be forced to watch five hours of TV and you will never hear from me again.

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